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Life is strange. Five years ago I was wondering what could I do with my life if I get fired. I get fired. Everyone get fired. Life goes on. I moved 2500 km away. I started a toxic relationship and get trapped for two years. I knew a person. We fell in love. We tried an open relationship who didn’t work. We did all things wrong. I had to end my first relatinship. The new one become as toxic as the old one. Then, she dumped me.

Now I had a silver bullet in my heart, and there are another two broken hearts, bleeding in my memories. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. There are days I can’t think straight. I just can’t think.

I will survive. I’ll grow stronger, if little bent.

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Long time since my last post. By the way, it wasn’t supposed to be something regular, just some kind of exercise of self-something to keep my mind clear. It worked well, last times, so here I go again.

Things at work are not Ok. In fact, things are going south at work, on the speed lane and no brakes at all. I thing the exact  world is “Decimated”. Not literally, of course, but sort of: Lot of people have been fired. Lot of friends. The office is like a ghost ship or something, and the rest of us feel like we were fighting in the trenches, in the middle of the night, with our own bosses bombing us from the safe back line. We’re exhausted, sad, tired and fearing the future.

Boss said “we may try to keep on”. Then she take holidays. One month off. Yeah, “we” means “you”, “keep on” means “break your spines working for almost nothing”. And we will see in september if they close the business or sell it to someone else. “Deadline” in all the concept, at least for this work.

I don’t know what to do. I keep working, I can’t do less than I’ve been doing all this 9 years. I can’t compromise more. I can’t work harder. I can’t try to make it better anymore.
I don’t know how to do anything else. This job is what I’ve been doing all my life. I’m sad, I’m tired, and I keep doing it the best I can (The best the let me do it).

The worst part is the hopelessness. We, the workers, can’t do any more. Is just impossible to do anything more, anything better. We reached our physical and psychological limits long time ago, surpassed they and keep pushing. There’s no midnight oil to burn.

Few people make the wrong decisions, and we all are gonna pay for that.

Is a fact. I’m sick (flu) and tired. I’m tired about lots of things. And sleeping alone is just one of them.
My “personal holistic counsellor” told me that my sickness comes from my emotional stress. And she’s right, I know. But I’ve to deal with this shit by myself. There’s no other way: you can’t fight the tide. But you must fight against the water if don’t want to drown.

I feel quite adrift, now. I know I will survive. I know how to deal with loneliness and sadness and everything else. Is just I don’t want. Keep me balanced is the tricky part, day by day. Don’t want to become a cynical guy. Don’t want to become the “depressed friend” that everyone feels sorry for him.

So, balance. Keep the balance between heart and mind. Keep the bad feelings, the regret, the things that will hurt me at bay.


I can catch the sun for you

Be carefull, sharp edges are under the soft skin.