It was a sunny day. Road trip. “Marea” singing in the radio, our mix, our songs. We were talking about who was who in each song, to whom we were singing to. “This one is about me and O.”, she told me, and was true, and she cried one lonely tear, smiling. “This is me, singing to you!” I told her, and we sang together, our hands touching, the road below and the blue sky above us. “Skip this one, I can’t stand that one verse…”, “This one is me, you are telling me that you’ve enough…”. We held hands, sang at top of our lungs, looked into our eyes, and loved.

Every red light, every stop sign, she looked for my lips, kissing me like the world was beginning and we got everything to lose.

And we lost.

I’m weak. I’ve been defeated. Broken.

I’ve lost her, and she’s just fucking around with all the people she knew I was jealous. She’s burning all the land around me, and never looking back. She, who swore to been always there for me. To be always the first to rise a helping hand. She hates me. She despises me. And I can’t do a damm thing, cause I just can’t stand her.

I can’t see her. I can’t think about her. It hurts. Hurts so much I just want to chug down some Diazepan and vodka and just let it end.

I want to end this. For real.

Life is strange. Five years ago I was wondering what could I do with my life if I get fired. I get fired. Everyone get fired. Life goes on. I moved 2500 km away. I started a toxic relationship and get trapped for two years. I knew a person. We fell in love. We tried an open relationship who didn’t work. We did all things wrong. I had to end my first relatinship. The new one become as toxic as the old one. Then, she dumped me.

Now I had a silver bullet in my heart, and there are another two broken hearts, bleeding in my memories. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. There are days I can’t think straight. I just can’t think.

I will survive. I’ll grow stronger, if little bent.

Long time since my last post. By the way, it wasn’t supposed to be something regular, just some kind of exercise of self-something to keep my mind clear. It worked well, last times, so here I go again.

Things at work are not Ok. In fact, things are going south at work, on the speed lane and no brakes at all. I thing the exact  world is “Decimated”. Not literally, of course, but sort of: Lot of people have been fired. Lot of friends. The office is like a ghost ship or something, and the rest of us feel like we were fighting in the trenches, in the middle of the night, with our own bosses bombing us from the safe back line. We’re exhausted, sad, tired and fearing the future.

Boss said “we may try to keep on”. Then she take holidays. One month off. Yeah, “we” means “you”, “keep on” means “break your spines working for almost nothing”. And we will see in september if they close the business or sell it to someone else. “Deadline” in all the concept, at least for this work.

I don’t know what to do. I keep working, I can’t do less than I’ve been doing all this 9 years. I can’t compromise more. I can’t work harder. I can’t try to make it better anymore.
I don’t know how to do anything else. This job is what I’ve been doing all my life. I’m sad, I’m tired, and I keep doing it the best I can (The best the let me do it).

The worst part is the hopelessness. We, the workers, can’t do any more. Is just impossible to do anything more, anything better. We reached our physical and psychological limits long time ago, surpassed they and keep pushing. There’s no midnight oil to burn.

Few people make the wrong decisions, and we all are gonna pay for that.

I like the ocean. I’ve been living next to the ocean all my live. As metaphor, the Ocean is a powerfull icon: deep, changing, always unknown and uncontrollable. The Ocean means the Life. The origin and the end.

When child, the ocean scared me. The things that lives in the bottom of the ocean are monsters. Real monsters. There are unknown creatures living in the darkness of the ocean. Things who never see the sun. Swim in the bottomless ocean is just fly over the monster’s nest.
I wanted to explore the ocean, to study the creatures who live there. Just because they scared me. Because I’m a science man: I don’t fear what I know. I want to know, to understand. Knowledge is power.

But the Ocean still there. I’m not afraid. I know the monsters. I understand the streams, the waves, the tides. But the Ocean is there, just in the horizon, beyond my window. Pitch black in the darkness of a moonless night.

I’ve the ocean in my veins. In my soul. The deeper you go, the darker it becomes. And the monsters are waiting, unseen, unknown.

  • Film: GATTACA
  • City: Chicago
  • Food: Indian or sushi
  • Hobby: Rol play games
  • Picture: Flaming June
  • Book: Perfume: The story of a Murderer
  • Sport: Ice skating

Is a fact. I’m sick (flu) and tired. I’m tired about lots of things. And sleeping alone is just one of them.
My “personal holistic counsellor” told me that my sickness comes from my emotional stress. And she’s right, I know. But I’ve to deal with this shit by myself. There’s no other way: you can’t fight the tide. But you must fight against the water if don’t want to drown.

I feel quite adrift, now. I know I will survive. I know how to deal with loneliness and sadness and everything else. Is just I don’t want. Keep me balanced is the tricky part, day by day. Don’t want to become a cynical guy. Don’t want to become the “depressed friend” that everyone feels sorry for him.

So, balance. Keep the balance between heart and mind. Keep the bad feelings, the regret, the things that will hurt me at bay.

I’m quite normal. Not too much nothing: Not too handsome, not too tall, not too rich. 😀

1,78 m tall, 90 kg, 28 years. Brown eyes, brown long hair (but I’m getting blonder!!), little curly. I’m not fit, quite overweighted.
I like to wear comfortable clothes, t-shirts, all brown or plain colors. “Clean & comfortable” is my concept of Fashion, but can be elegant if needed.

Is a good question. Too good to be answered right now, indeed.

I’ve read your blog, so I decide start blogging again. But now, I want something different. Something personal.

A Guide to my Heart. All the things that women can use to keep my attention, start a conversation or just made me crazy. Is easy, you’ll see: I’m an easy man.


I can catch the sun for you

Be carefull, sharp edges are under the soft skin.